Dear Sir,

I am having an issue with being jealous and I know we agreed that honesty was our policy, good, bad, or indifferent. So here goes my honesty. This is me venting and talking openly because I know I will feel better once it is all out.

Writing this scares me because I have to be honest and I know I’m not holding back. Part of me sees this as a negative and I shouldn’t. This is a learning experience for me still. I am figuring out how I like to poly.

I haven’t felt this way in a while and I don’t know what about it bothered me yesterday. I love seeing You get dressed up and look good as always. Smelling amazing. Makes me want to suck Your dick before You leave. I feel territorial. I want to let them know I was there. I think the big part of that is me feeling lost in the sauce of Cincinnati. I still don’t have any friends that are lifestylers here. Most of the women I talk to are because You introduced me to them. I am having a hard time finding people on my own.

I feel like I have no right to be jealous. Makes me feel guilty like there is something wrong with me. I feel guilty for even wanting to look for a person or persons of my own. I know in a letter before I mentions I was looking for me a potential partner, but I have had no luck in that and I know it takes time so I am trying to give it time.

Yes, I am interested in women but I feel like it’s more for just fucking. I’ve yet to meet a woman I actually really would enjoy dating. I got a weakness for men that women will never compare to. Yes, I would love to fuck bitches with You and get my pussy eaten and suck on some titties. but actually dating a woman I don’t know. I have yet to meet one that draws me in. Maybe it’s because I just don’t know where I truly fit in. I have yet to find my tribe so it leaves me feeling lost.

I moved down to Cincinnati almost 2 years ago and my Sir is the only man I’ve been with. I’ve been searching for someone to date but the people here aren’t so welcoming and it’s hard to find someone who isn’t fucking everyone else. It’s also hard to find people who are also aligned with the lifestyle I live. I want a genuine connection with someone. I guess not really having any friends here makes it hard too.

Maybe I am the issue. I mean emotions are human and I know it’s just my ego talking. Im selfish and when I’m with someone and wrapped around them the way I am with You it’s hard to see anyone else in the picture sometimes but what I really want is to have someone I can go out with myself. It gets repetitive taking myself on dates sometimes. I know he has been living this lifestyle longer than I have and I still need time to adjust. I still haven’t seen him fuck another woman and I really don’t know if I can.

Putting aside my selfishness. My issue is being jealous I don’t like that feeling. It sits in the pit of my stomach and eats away at me until I begin to feel guilty and then they both sit there and make me go back and forth in my head.

Eventually, I tell myself to stop and I take a few deep breaths and I try to figure out why I’m jealous and where it’s really stemming from.

1. I’m learning how to be comfortable being by myself and that’s hard for me sometimes.
2. Worried if I am enough or if I’m doing the right things
3. Worried it means You love me less
4. Still learning to navigate what and how poly/ENM means and works for us
5. My lack of confidence.
6. Is it partly that I just don’t want to know when You are going out with someone?

I have to realize that it all boils down to fear. I am used to men cheating and hiding things from me and You aren’t them. I have to realize that. I have to remind myself that there will always be other partners because You need more and that is okay. I have to be willing to let go of the fear.

I think we should talk about this and see how to move forward. I don’t want to be like this every time You are with someone else. I want to have genuine excitement when You are going out. I know how You like to fuck and any woman who gets it better enjoy herself lol.