This is a question I ask myself over and over again…let me preface this with the fact that everything I write about is done with consent.
Why do I let Him treat me this way? Why can’t I cum without the pain? why do i have to be treated like a slut? why do I feel undeserving of love?
There are times when Sir and I get deep into our play and I know that he means everything he says to me. I am His whore, slut, trained whore, dirty bitch, trained dog, good woman, slave…little one (sometimes), girl. I love all of the terms he gives me but there are times when I wonder if that is all I am deserving of…
When I’m not being fucked and beaten until my brain turns offs, I feel lost and less than. Is there something wrong with me? truly? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it, and I need to be fucked on a regular, but part of me feels like this is all I’m worth!
The tears that fall when he fucks me are always the best! I feel like I am letting go of so much, and he is the answer to help me fix what it is that is in me, telling me to be a dirty whore. The way Sir fucks me is not like any other sex I’ve had! He’s made me cum, squirt, cry and all I want is for HIm to do it over and over again. I need to be treated like a cheap whore and whenever it’s over I lay there thinking how can I let anyone do this to me?
What about this makes me submit to it? is it the attention? is it the fact that deep down, this is who I am? His hands wrap around my throat. His forces, His dick deeper than anyone has dared to venture. His spit touches my tongue as his hand holds me in place by my hair. The sting as His palm strikes my face. Why do I need these things? Why is the masochist in me satiated when He hurts me so good?
Sir has to remind me that I do so much for Him and that I am good at what I do. He appreciates my service. I cook, clean, fuck, and bring him his money. A true definition of a whore, right lol. Everything we do is done with consent, but Sir has to check in with me to make sure I am okay. There’s a point where my brain just drops into a sunken place, and there’s nothing there. Just space, and I can breathe. No one telling me what to do or how to feel, and it only happens for about 5 mins, but it’s always after Sir fucks me. everything in the world just fades away.
Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn’t have to go through all of that to find a space for peace in my mind lol. But there is definitely nothing sane about me. I crave being hurt and then cuddled and told I did a good job. The falling tears let me know I’m safe and it’s over. CNC and rape play are always going to be a dangerous game to play, but I trust Sir. I know He won’t take it too far, He knows my limits and knows just what I need to get my mind in check.
Subspace Seduction 