Safety!!!!!

Lately in the BDSM-related groups I am in I have seen so many people asking questions about aftercare, negotiation, and contracts. IN MY opinion, most of these people are not taking their own safety seriously.

When playing, vetting, or being in/searching for a dynamic you have to always put safety first! The things we do are fun and amazing but they can also be dangerous!

So I am going to talk about a few things that Sir and I do that help us make sure we are safe when we play and after play. If you have been in the lifestyle long enough and you play with people you start to pick up on things that are good and bad. You learn what you like and don’t like and what’s safe and unsafe.

When it comes to negotiations it is up to all parties involved to talk about things that are hard limits, traumas, do and don’t. These will keep you both safe. This means for play and future dynamics. People wonder why they end up hurt and it’s because they weren’t honest about what they needed or the person they were with lied about what they can provide. Don’t get me wrong there are of course people who just lie and feel like they are entitled to be called a Dom and it just doesn’t work that way. This is why you have to give it time before jumping into a dynamic. Vetting is your best friend and sometimes people still slip through the cracks, but when you see that happening don’t be afraid to say that you have had enough.

When you are playing with someone always be honest about what you have been drinking, what kinds of products you use on your skin (fire play sessions this is important), and if you have a high or low pain tolerance. Be honest if it is your first time; people like newbies and want to show you a good time, but they don’t want to ruin BDSM for you because you chose to lie!

Also when picking up play at parties it is okay to change your mind. Never think that once the play has or is about to start that you have to follow through and don’t be so desperate or in a frenzy (post on this coming next) that you can’t control yourself. Have friends that are looking out for you and can point these things out for you when you refuse to see them. Sometimes an outsider can help.

I also have noticed that people assume aftercare is a must! This was something that was true for a while before people realized that some people are Poly or just don’t require it. When thinking of aftercare I think of sex. More importantly how I feel and what I need from my partner after sex. I feel like aftercare should be treated the same way. Only you know what you need and what you like that has to be expressed before the play begins.

Aftercare is super important because it helps you decompress slowly after a scene. Learn how you and the person you are playing with like to settle after a scene. Some people also fall into the poly lifestyle which could mean they don’t want aftercare from the person they are playing with at all. Some people want it from someone they are more emotionally involved with. This could be a friend or another partner or even a mentor. Some people don’t need or want aftercare at all. You have to negotiate what works for both of you.

There is nothing that isn’t up for negotiation when it comes to playing, so don’t be afraid to ask or say that something is a no for you. Also, express your curiosities, this is the lifestyle to figure them out. We in the BDSM world use the acronym N.M.K which stands for Not My Kink and it’s okay to say that something isn’t for you, add it to your hell-no list.

I sometimes really want to cuddle other times I just pass out afterward. recently Sir and I had an intense scene while I was wearing my new tail butt plug and after He told me to go lay down and relax. I was trying to but my mind was racing I had cried while he fucked me so that added to the emotional aspect of things. I needed to decompress.

A lot of times our fucking sessions are training sessions for me. I just learn better when He fucks me lol. SUCH A WHORE I know lol. Sir asked me if I was okay and I of course said yes as I always do but there was still so much built up inside of me that I couldn’t relax. I was tossing and turning and feeling really puppy-like. Sir asked me a few more times and I kept giving the same response. Finally, I just crawled over to Him and laid my head on His lap. I need to feel close to Him.

Sometimes our fucking leaves me feeling used in a way that makes me emotional. Makes me cry for reasons I can’t explain or need physical contact. He rubbed my body and pet my head until I was calm enough to go lay back down. I thanked Him and at the time I felt like I was thanking Him for the aftercare, but I was really saying thank you for noticing that I wasn’t okay. Thank You for asking me until I realized that I needed something more.

I sometimes have a really hard time expressing that I need aftercare and it can lead to me feeling down or dropping hard. So Sir taking notice really matters. You have to have a partner that pays attention to you even when you feel like you are okay. I am pushing myself to express my needs more and I think writing this blog definitely helps.

Sometimes I really do need aftercare and I’m too afraid to say anything. Lately, I’ve been a little more touchy-feely with Sir and working up to being more vocal about it. If I can say I wanna suck Your dick or need my ass beat then I need to be able to say I need cuddles, or a massage, or just a nice rub down or hug to center me back.

I remember how Sir and I use to play before I moved down here. I was always coming to visit and would need a good maintenance scene to hold me over until the next time I could see Him. Sir always made it a point to ask me what type of scene I was in the mood for and He would accommodate that. Things we do now are things He’s asked me about in the past before we ever decided to create our dynamic. Gave me time to think about them and see if I would be interested in them. Like face slapping, and pissing. Anytime Sir wants to try something new with me He asks me if it is something I’ve thought about If not he waits a few months and tries it and I’m the type to try anything once and twice if I like it.

It is not easy whatsoever in a lifestyle where everything thing you do makes you vulnerable. Especially as a submissive. I’ve opened myself up to Sir in ways that I haven’t to anyone else. He’s taken me to new heights when it comes to my pain threshold. I’ve done things that I am embarrassed to admit, but I’ve enjoyed them, and writing about them helps me understand why. Life is too short not too vulnerable for the right person. Sir has my deepest devotion and love because I trust Him to keep me safe and I trust myself to be honest with Him.

So I say all of these things to say that honesty and communication will always be key! Safety while playing and vetting will always be crucial. AND IT IS OKAY TO BE PICKY! Not everyone deserves your submission!